figlia del caos. vagabonda nell'universo. ballerina tra le foglie.

mercoledì 15 febbraio 2012

passeggiata sotto la pioggia...un anno dopo.

un anno dopo la prima volta che sono uscita insieme a te. emozioni che piovono come cuori impazziti da un cielo di cristallo.
la nicotina l'unica compagna con cui condividere la pazzia che mi sento dentro.
pretending to be strong but being not. 
cercare di addomesticare il caos, per rendersi conto di non avere nessun potere su di esso.
il leitmotiv della mia vita sembra essere questo. so far so true.
svegliarsi la mattina per recitare il copione della propria vita.
arrivare a sera accorgendosi che è solo commedia. cercare di venire a capo di tutta la faccenda ma...è già ora di dormire. di nuovo. svegliarsi di nuovo. pum.
una serie di sfortunati eventi. calibrate casualità. incomprensibili coincidenze.
guardarsi intorno e non riconoscere la propria casa.
viaggiatore di passaggio. della mia vita. mi guardo fuori e non mi riconosco. ni guardo dentro e...non mi riconosco.
condivido la mia insoddisfazione col genere umano, avvolta in un abbraccio da milioni di persone e...paradossalmente sola. l'illusione di provare qualcosa di unico, la consapevolezza di essere persa nella mischia.
merda. merda. merda.
how do u feel playing with my emotions? believe me, i know the feeling, i'm in the same shit as u, just with somebody else. r u wishing me that? no, i know u rn't cause u r not that selfish. and fuck, that is killing me. at a certain point, i find myself thinking that u r in the shit cause u want it, cause u r acting like crazy without any mask. without the mask that i put on myself. and fuck, that's not good. for u. but, do i feel better with my mask? no, it's just that i'm not strong enough to face what i feel, i'm not strong enough to stand a door closed in my nose. so i pretend to be fine, i pretend to have the control of the situation. even if i haven't. and i'm keeping on playing with ur feelings just because u r letting me doing this.
and u. u r playing with me cause i'm letting u doing it. it s like a wrong circle. people r so stupid sometimes. they prefer to be blind than facing the reality. and they react in different ways, but they end up in the same shit. this is the way the world goes around. lies and illusions. if i'm with u it's just because i don't want to be alone. and yes, u have the right reasons to be angry with me, to be jelous of me, but u know what? i don't fucking give a shit about u. i don't fucking give a shit if i'm making u feel weird. i don't fucking give a shit if i'm messing u up. and at the end u will just want to send me to the hell, but u won't be so strong to do it. u r as weak as me. i know u. and u like to hurt urself, in the same way i'm doing with myself.
and u will live with the ghosts of ur past, u will always think that i was the right one for u. people always desire what they can't have. stop bullshitting me. stop telling me the story of the prince charming. my friend, it's just like i told u. u need to believe me. i know that i became ur nightmare and still, still u r here begging me. for some time. for a hug. for a kiss. do u want to hurt urself more? here i am. but don't complain with me. it's ur fucking decision. and well, don't think i don't understand u.
without me u feel bad, cause u feel like u just need to make me understand that u r the perfect match i've always been looking for. u know that all my words, the hugs, the kisses r fake. they r for someone else. but u don't care. that's what u need to easy ur soul. u can even forget that they rn't sincere. it's up to u.
but that confirm my theory, sorry for saying this. i'm just telling u the truth. is it sad? it is. is it unfair? it is. can u do something for this? u know the answer. no, u can't.
everybody finds a way to hurt himself, if u  want i can tell u many, i'm kind of master of it. phisycally. phsycologically. u just need to ask. but i think u don't need my suggestion. u r quite good by urself. we chose different fairy tales, but the ends is the same. bitter.
i'm just reporting what i see. u can go oversee, try to look for the difference, but i'll tell u one secret. u will never find it. cause it doesn't exist. the world is built on a solid base of shit. that's what u r always going to find out.
call me pessimistic. cinic. whatever. but at the end u can only agree with me, my friend.
people never change. people never learn. people always look for the happiness but never do anything to reach it.
even if it seems that they r trying, believe me, it's just a lie. again. and i'm the example. so...just give up. don't think u can change the world, u r just one between billions people.

and i'll tell u more. tomorrow, when u will wake up u r going to erase all this shit from ur mind, just like me. cause we r human being, cause we need a hope to keep on with our lives. we need to believe in something. that's why we r acting like stupid. and this is only a thought of late night, when u feel free to tell the truth cause u r about going to sleep. and u r going to have a whole night to forget about it. and the following day u r going to wake up ready to tell urself the story that u ve been keeping on telling to urself for all ur life. and u r probably going to believe in that, cause every day is a new day and usually u feel positive. good for u. that s the way everything goes around.

no lies cause at this time we can afford to say the things for what they r.
just a stupidity moment. ah.

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